[An interview with DrP on BusinessInsider by Lindsay Dodgson]
Humans are amazingly resilient. We’re able to withstand immense tragedies and heartbreaks, and come out the other side with scars, but in one piece. However, sometimes we’re made to feel weaker than we really are. This can happen, for example, in a relationship with a toxic person who diminishes your good points, and exaggerates your bad ones. Some people are also used to playing the victim, according to psychologist Perpetua Neo, which isn’t healthy. This is why it’s important to be not just resilient, but anti-fragile.
“We often think in terms of the dichotomy of fragile: I hit you, you break. Or resilience: I hit you, you bounce back,” she told INSIDER. “Anti-fragility is even better because you gain out of the chaos. I hit you, you bounce back and you grow even better.”
In Greek mythology, this is like the Hydra — the monster which grows back two heads if one is cut off.
Vulnerability, as opposed to fragility, doesn’t make you weak. It can actually be a source of strength, Neo added, because it means you can face up to what you need to change and seek help.
“It takes a lot of courage not to lie to ourselves and somebody else,” she said. “Vulnerability doesn’t mean you get shattered. But fragility is like a porcelain vase. I accidentally drop it — it’s gone.”
So if you’re feeling like everything is against you, and you’ll never be strong again, you should ask yourself where this idea comes from. For instance, did someone tell you you’re limited? Did someone take advantage of you, gaslight you, or make you feel small? Often, people feel like victims beacuse someone else has treated them that way.
You can always change your path, and everyone has the capacity for anti-fragility, Neo said. Problems just arise when we oscillate between thinking our complaints are not big enough to bring up, and running away from them out of shame.
The way to combat this is to remind yourself of two things you’ve overcome. This makes you realises everyone, including yourself, has triumphed over something.
“When you think about this triumph you’ve had, we actually learn to be proud of ourselves,” said Neo. “And I want you to tap into where you feel that in your body. Give it a colour. Not a colour you like but the colour it feels like.
“And whenever you feel like you’ve got nothing to feel resilient about, tap into that colour again. That can be the quickest shortcut to getting you where you want to be.”
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