[This DrP article was first published on Next Evolution Performance]
Seething inside but I answered evenly, “So what exactly are you saying about my clients?”
This obnoxious man had cornered me at an event, and he gave me the heebie-jeebies. Not only was he bragging about himself professionally and personally, whilst I smiled through gritted teeth and looked for an exit, before he asked me what I did. I said the usual. . I help leaders and their organisations hit their KPIs without burning out, and he replied “Oh, that’s coaching. You know, unlike those crazy people who go to therapy”.
Of course I was seething. Not because I am a psychologist trained in multiple forms of therapy, who weaves therapeutic methods into my coaching. But rather, I felt enraged on behalf of my clients. Decent, thoughtful awesome people who work so hard to grow and show up, no matter what life throws at them.
So let’s forget about said obnoxious man. Because when we make an effort to grow— whether it is to heal from something difficult or to become a better version of ourselves— people will talk smack. And these people could be acquaintances, strangers or your loved ones. And I guarantee you, they will come out of the woodwork to comment.
Life is confusing, colourful and celebratory all at the same time.
From the Taoist philosophers to the Stoics to contemporary experts (think Andrew Huberman, Adam Grant, Brene Brown et al.), one thing is for sure.
There is suffering in life.
There will always be ups, downs and neutrals. And that is what we can figure out better, to live better. Or, to suffer better, in the words of the late Zen master Thich Nhat Han.
Mental health issues happen to anyone, regardless of whether you have a diagnosis. You could have high-functioning anxiety or depression, meaning you still show up at work and everything looks okay even if it’s eating you up within, even more so as the days pass. It could happen as you ride through your own or a loved one’s health issue. It could happen .. because this is just life.
And much as I appreciate that some cultures have no idea that they are anxious— although you will always hear unsolicited words like ‘You know, this is our country, it is stressful’ or ‘I am not an anxious person’— most of us are coping.
Coping is a band-aid. It is medicating ourselves with anything, from overworking to drinking to overshopping, just to escape our minds. Coping gets more exhausting over time, it is a compound interest that works against you.
Examples of how humans cope include:—
- Waking up everyday increasingly exhausted, but afraid to stop, because your debts are too high.
- Or you have plenty of assets but your head scares you the moment you pause or slow down.
- You are in a toxic relationship or job and you don’t know how to walk away, so you tolerate terrible treatment.
- You are increasingly unhappy in your relationship that is not toxic but merely functional— things work on the surface, you go on holidays and perform your usual duties. The thought of your relationship makes you wince, but it is too much effort to end it and/or start again.
- Nothing interests you or excites you anymore, your body is causing you great pain, but you just get through another day with painkillers or more alcohol.
And whether or not Person A chooses to continue with some form of the above, doesn’t mean they are stronger or morally superior to Person B who chooses to do something about it.
Maybe Person B could cope as well as Person A, but chooses to rip off the band aid. It takes courage to do that.
You don’t need to break down to hit rock bottom in order to make changes.
It takes courage to heal.
And when things are great, it takes courage to grow into the next version of you.
Because your current self will not be enough for your future self.
Why do people naysay when you grow?
“He has a dog now, he is having a midlife crisis.”
“She has taken up mountaineering, that’s because she’s so free because she has no kids.”
“He is building muscle in the gym, it must be because he is feeling insecure, how tragic.”
“She is losing weight, she must have an eating disorder”.
“He has professional coaching, he must be miserable”
It is a curious case, especially because I subscribe to a policy of non-interference— unless you ask me or engage me, it is none of my business what you do with your life.
And yet we often see people commenting unsolicitedly when we make changes to our lives.
Sometimes it’s because your changes make them aware of how they are not changing, and to soothe that discomfort, they have to comment or find a reason why you are doing what you are doing. And in that process, feel stronger. At times, people have to attribute some weakness such as insecurity or dissatisfaction with your life, to contextualise your growth journey. This is because it is always easier to see someone else as silly, inferior or unlucky, as a form of self-protection. This way, they believe it will never happen to them.
You may even be miffed at how someone who has never lifted weights before suddenly giving you advice on working out— this is a form of proving superiority.
Or someone dissuading you from the changes you make, otherwise unsolicitedly telling you why they make the opposite choices. People also feel the need to gossip and denigrate.
I know, because I have also met wellness professionals who call people experiencing burnout, anxiety and depression ‘mad people’. And that disgusts me.
What to do
Above all, remember it is not about you. It is about them.
You will wonder if what they say is true. Maybe there is part truth to that— our motivations are often a mixed cocktail. That is okay, you are human after all; what matters is you are growing.
You may be confused, or feel like crap. That is good, use that extra energy— that anger, resentment, or what I call the middle finger— to fuel you.
Just because you don’t feel cool or Zen or impervious to naysaying, doesn’t mean you are weak. This is part of the human experience. Instead, rig your environment to support your growth.
Schedule in those walks and runs, pop them in-between your activities. Lift your weights in-between calls. Set a rule for your language lessons every 2 out of 5 times you touch your phone. Journal and reflect in-between meetings. 5 minutes here and there compounds, it is better than 0. Hack your instagram feed with accounts that motivate you, that normalise your growth journey. #BetterThanNothing produces excellence.
And if anyone is giving you unsolicited comments or advice— and calling you sensitive if you refuse to discuss it with them— simply say “I already have a [professional] I’m working on this with, and I’d prefer to spend my time with you doing [activity]”.
Takeaway
Time does not heal, you do.
Unless we are consciously growing, people calcify into worse versions of themselves.
Because bad habits compound, and neuroplasticity works against you.
I applaud everyone who chooses to grow. Not just because it feeds my industry, because you could grow if you choose to take care of your physical body by walking. You grow by being thoughtful and reflective.
And when you grow, you become free of old demons and burdens— and you don’t know lightness until you shed the emotional weight.
Above all, I applaud you for growing because it is the harder thing to do than to stagnate. And by growing, you inspire someone else who could benefit from some lightness and clarity in the experience of being human.
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