Your world suddenly feels unsafe when your mother-in-law is about to visit. Maybe it’s just the two of you, or maybe there’s the added dimension of kids to deal with. But the heavy fog always descends, and no one is acting normally prior to a scheduled interaction with her. It takes time and effort for the spell to finally lift, but the damage is done— quarrels, self-doubt, relationship fractures and you wonder, what you do wrongly. And is it really meant to be so hard?
Welcome to the world of the narcissistic mother-in-law.
Not all Narcissistic Mothers-In-Law Are Created Equally Or As Easily Detected
The overtly grandiose ones who are too clumsy to hide their narcissism are the easiest-to-detect, especially if your Bullshit-O-Meter is strong, and you have strong boundaries. But what if you overgive, were brought up around difficult people or bullies, or simply just try to find the best in people, believing that hurt people hurt people? Then she gets away with it, for longer. Or what if she is the sort of narcissist who is so sophisticated at executing it, that you get confused even if you take no prisoners?
Then, you start off knowing in your gut that something is wrong, but don’t have the words to articulate it. Especially because her transgressions are so subtle, you simply look petty talking about them. But aggregate them, and the toll becomes obvious— you have been paying a very expensive compound interest in terms of your sanity and the gap is now glaring.
Or, how about you look at it from the perspective of your partner, based on this article about what a narcissistic mother looks like.
The Glaring Red Flags
Constant need for attention: They seek the spotlight during family gatherings, often overshadowing others and making everything about them. Someone’s success is theirs, for instance, it is because of something they did (and this can be completely made up), that someone else has a certain type of success today.
Manipulative behaviour: They use guilt or emotional manipulation to control family dynamics, making others feel responsible for their happiness or any emotions. If they upset you, they will also play the victim because they are upset they have caused you harm.
Your partner exhibits strange behaviour: Often, the Golden Child in the family regresses to a more juvenile version of themselves, seeking to please their mothers and not being on the side of their own families. Many of my clients describe this as ‘being under a spell’.
Lack of empathy: Little regard for the feelings or needs of others, often dismissing concerns as unimportant, or being oversensitive. Note that double standards are often the case here, where their feeling are the most important, and often blown out of proportion. Sophisticated narcissists are great at exhibiting lip service-level empathy, knowing the words to use to look like they care, whilst subtly undermining you. They may also raise concern about your mental health, making you look like you are going crazy– a sophisticated form of gaslighting where her campaigns have started early.
Triangulating family members: Both to-your-face and behind-your-back, narcissistic mothers-in-law are experts at playing one family member against the other, and even painting this as lighthearted. One day someone has fallen out of favour, the next day they are the flavour of the month; whether or not it’s her partner, kids, children-in-law or grandchildren. This keeps everyone on their toes, so they know they have to ‘behave’.
Swaying wildly amongst the roles of victim, saviour and persecutor: If you respond to what they say as a saviour, they may attack you as the persecutor, etcetera. This way, you never know which version you are getting, and it feels like the finishing posts keep moving. You always are wrong-footed.
Belitting and devaluation: This can be pitched as a joke or concern, complete with ‘you are so sensitive, you don’t understand our family dynamics’ to make you feel even more isolated. Narcissistic mothers-in-law are experts at sniffing out your weak spots, they will leverage that to hurt when you are lowest, or use that to befriend you and gather more ammunition. Any of your strengths and accomplishments will be devalued or used against you, often because she is jealous. For instance, your capability at work becomes cast as a workaholic who doesn’t care about your family or partner; or your efforts at home are painted as ‘micromanaging’. This gets even worse as she ages.
Boundary violations: Your boundaries mean nothing, they interfere in your decisions without consent. Again, you are painted as difficult, disrespectful or insensitive, so you are always the outsider of the family. Cases I’ve heard include feeding grandchildren certain foods against their parents’ wishes, scaring them with ‘How would you only like to stay with Grandma, Mommy doesn’t love you!’, or even baptising them. Or, she drops in unannounced and gets offended that no one is dropping everything to entertain her; barges into your room or your belongings; talks about topics that disgust or upset you.
She’s the best: Whether it’s within the family or at work (even if she’s retired), everyone else is wildly incapable and only she can save the day.
Regressing to incredible childishness: She may sulk or throw tantrums, at the most left-field of times, to punish you or just for the hell of it. Or, she may insist that her kids continue to act like they are young children, for instance with certain behaviours or affectations.
Sounds familiar? Stay tuned for Part II where we discuss the impact, and Part III on what to do.
Need physical or mental distance from your narcissistic mother-in-law? Book your free Chemistry Call here to design how your new sane life looks like.