Fawning Is A Trauma Response Too

The clever retort that’s accompanied by raucous laughter on a comedy—we’ve come to think that’s a good thing, and perhaps even aspire towards that. It’s gotten to the point that people who don’t know how to be “clever” believe they’re terrible, dull conversationalists. But the truth is, what’s funny on The Big Bang Theory isn’t necessarily funny in real life when you’re on the receiving end. It hurts.

It’s easy for this to be your default mode if you work in an industry that’s all about acting tough and masking emotions or if you grew up in a family where 99% of your conversations are sarcastic quips, “I told you so’s”, or remarks designed to one-up another person. Whilst I never advocate Pollyanna-esque naïveté, people who only look for the negative can be incredibly draining to be around in the long run; the teasing, even in good jest, will start to feel like carefully cloaked animosity.

The fix: We all know how terrible it feels to be the target of such remarks, especially when we’re in a vulnerable time. So before you open your mouth, ask yourself, “How would I feel if I were sharing something about my life or thoughts, and someone gave me such a response?”

2. You deal with conflict in a roundabout way.

Conflict is uncomfortable. We don’t like to deal with tricky situations directly, and so we devise ways of getting around them. But if you’re always beating around the bush and then secreting hostility via sullen behavior, stubbornness, and subtle insults, it just amplifies the problem and turns a single conflict into a larger issue. No matter how logical our arguments or how upset we might be over what’s happening, passive-aggressiveness is painful and not helpful to anyone. It’s a cancer in relationships.

The fix: Know that difficult conversations are scarier in our heads than in reality—we simply haven’t had enough practice. The more you have these conversations, the easier they become. The rule-of-thumb you can subscribe to is to ask yourself, “How can I say this in a way that is kind and useful?”

3. Everything is a competition.

Telling someone how you went through a similar experience as they did is different from trying to show how you’ve had it worse. The first is where you show you resonate with the other person and use that empathy to connect. The second is a competition.

Fight, flight, freeze, fawn

The fight-flight-freeze-fawn responses are known as stress responses or trauma responses. These are ways the body automatically reacts to stress and danger, controlled by your brain’s autonomic nervous system, part of the limbic system. Depending on our upbringing, we can sometimes learn to rely too heavily on one of these responses—this is where the trauma portion comes into play.

For example, with freezing, we play dead so the enemy will leave us alone. You hear this when sexual assault survivors say they don’t remember a thing; our bodies shut down to help us cope with the situation, believing the way to minimize harm is to lie still and wait for it to pass. But because trauma isn’t just about the past but rather how it replays in the present moment in our body, freezing after the traumatic event can also happen via losing awareness in certain difficult situations or via phobias, panic attacks, and obsessive-compulsive behaviors like losing ourselves in hours of gaming that allow us to “disappear.”

What is fawning?

Fawning is a strategy we unconsciously learn to get ourselves out of trouble, as a result of interacting with a difficult person who’s likely a toxic personality type. It’s bending over backward to please someone, not to be nice or considerate but rather as a response rooted in trauma. It’s over-niceness that stems from us learning that it’s the only way we could survive an ordeal.

“Fawn types seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs, and demands of others,” writes Pete Walker, the therapist who coined the concept of fawning as the fourth F. “They act as if they unconsciously believe that the price of admission to any relationship is the forfeiture of all their needs, rights, preferences, and boundaries.”

He explains that fawning happens when a child “learns that a modicum of safety and attachment can be gained by becoming the helpful and compliant servants of their parents. They are usually the children of at least one narcissistic parent who uses contempt to press them into service, scaring and shaming them out of developing a healthy sense of self.”

Importantly, it’s not only childhood experiences that can create this trauma response. Something that happens anywhere along your timeline can change you forever.

Signs of fawning as a trauma response

1. You’re always apologizing for everything
Whether or not it’s your fault, you take too much responsibility. You blame yourself, and you needlessly say sorry all the time. When that happens, you’re training your brain to think you’re at fault, reinforcing the self-blame, guilt, and shame.

2. You can’t say how you really think or feel
While it’s normal to say “I’m good!” even if your day’s been crappy as a response to the cashier, it’s hard for people who fawn to express what’s really going on to close ones. This might be because you don’t know how you’re feeling, you’re overthinking things, you’re overly considerate about how that might make the other party feel at your expense, or you simply don’t know how to articulate it.

3. You always end the chat thread and are overly enthusiastic. . and you give too much information.
Too many emoji and question marks because you need to be that rah-rah! cheerleader or you’re afraid of accidentally offending someone. You’re the one who ends every chat thread, and you will respond to everyone because you don’t want to seem rude, even if it’s often unnecessary or the other party is making you uncomfortable. You over-explain, thinking you need to justify everything you did/thought/felt. Or everything you didn’t.

4. Everyone’s needs matter (way) more

5. Flattering others, in an exaggerated fashion
In a word, fawning makes us obsequious. We look for all sorts of ridiculous ways to praise someone, never mind if the compliments are vague and empty, in a way that brings to mind courtiers and eunuchs within ancient court systems.

How to stop fawning

The problem with fawning is that we’re cast into the role of Echo—the nymph in Greek mythology—and she inevitably attracts Narcissus. As an echoist, you’re delicious bait for toxic personality types.

Here’s how to stop:

1. You have the right to have boundaries, no matter what you were taught
First up, know that boundaries are the “Hell no’s” in your life—the things that you absolutely do not tolerate. Be clear about what they are. Some of us know them, but we don’t believe we have permission to have them. Here’s where we have to rewrite the script. All of us have the right to have boundaries that must be enforced should they get tread upon. And anyone who repeatedly violates your boundaries is doing that on purpose.

2. Stop lying to yourself that you aren’t fawning
Human Nature 101: We lie to ourselves all the time. We can trick ourselves by saying the cost of not avoiding trouble is too high, or we’re dealing with someone with great power at work, or we don’t want to wake the children up. Yes, there are times it’s not worth engaging, especially if it’s a short-term cost/benefit thing or the relationship/interaction is one you can exit easily. But let’s remove the blinkers.

3. You can have boundaries and still be graceful

We tell ourselves we’re too well-mannered to create trouble. Again, standing up for ourselves isn’t about being pugnacious; there are many ways to do it respectfully. If uncertain, practice writing and running scripts with someone you trust, so you’re confident about what to say.

4. Know yourself
We fawn because we don’t quite know ourselves—who we are, what we want, and what we stand for. And so it’s easier to go along with the needs and wishes of someone else. In this case, get aware of your feelings and how an experience makes you feel.

Start with simple experiences like, “This hot tea feels soothing” or “I feel joy when I listen to this song.” Start to sharpen your emotional vocabulary with a feelings wheel. Locate an experience within your body—where do you feel it, what color would you give it, and what name would you give it? This way, you know how your thoughts, feelings, and physicality are linked.

5. Embrace your strengths and quirks
People who fawn downplay themselves. Your personality is what makes you shine. Chances are, you’re so aware of social rules and situations, you won’t push too many limits. Ask your closest friends:

• Tell me three things you like most about me?
• What’s one thing I’m great at?
• How would you introduce me to a stranger?

It will feel out-of-character, so you can preface it with “I’ve been challenged to develop myself personally and professionally, so I have a few questions I’d love for you to answer.” Allow yourself to be surprised.

Practice expressing a side of you that you keep under wraps. If you have a secret talent or hobby, share it with people who care or who are similar. Or post it on social media, because the world needs to be inspired by you.

6. Say things other than “sorry”

“Thank you for waiting.” “Excuse me.” These are things you can say instead of “sorry.” This way, when you actually have to apologize, you’re truly sincere. Not sure? You can flowchart with the questions, Have I hurt someone? or Have I been rude or disrespectful? If the answer is yes, you should probably apologize. If no, move on.

7. Praise only when appropriate
The most sincere compliments are specific, appropriate, and delightfully unexpected. Instead of blanket words like “You’re so lovely” or “Amazing!” that don’t mean anything, praise only when the situation calls for it and say exactly what’s great about the person. Also, go beyond the obvious. Perhaps someone’s a great accountant so they’re awesome at math and detail; if they happen to have excellent taste in music, talk about that, how you (truly) admire that, and ask them how that came to be.

8. Work on the trauma
Trauma isn’t something you’ll have to manage for the rest of your life. Partner with a trained professional to treat both the roots and symptoms of your trauma. That way, you learn to reset your limbic system, and you update the timekeeper in your brain to understand that then is not now. This way, trauma stops replaying in your body and mind in the present moment.

You update the OS of your phone all the time. It’s time you update the OS of you.