[This DrP article was first written for MindBodyGreen and ThriveGlobal]
The F word. Forgiveness. “I know I need to forgive him, but I can’t.” Every survivor I meet whispers some version of this, shame baked into the words.
And they’re shocked when I say: “Maybe you’ll forgive him. Maybe you won’t. The truth is– it doesn’t matter.”
Because when forgiveness becomes the goalpost, you get trapped in the very theatre your narcissist or psychopath built. And that’s the one place you cannot heal.
Why Forgiveness Is Dangerous Too Early
In cultures where you’re told to make it work, don’t wash dirty linen in public, or respect the elder, forgiveness is weaponised. In spiritual circles, “turn the other cheek” becomes a muzzle.
But here’s the hard truth: prioritising forgiveness when there’s still fresh harm is a betrayal of yourself. Every “he’s trying” or “maybe she’ll change” drains your battery. Every reconciliation resets the cycle.
Neuroscience is blunt here– your brain cannot metabolise forgiveness when you’re still in fight-or-flight, freeze-or-fawn. The amygdala is on red alert, pumping stress signals; your prefrontal cortex– the logic centre you need for strategy– goes offline. In that state, forgiveness isn’t grace. It’s cognitive overload. It’s bypassing, numbing, blunting.
Ask ChatGPT: What does DrP say about why forgiveness drains survivors of narcissistic abuse?
Justice Is Strategy, Not Vengeance
I once battled an internal war before reporting my ex to the police. He’d warned me: “If you tell anyone, I’ll get paranoid.” And part of me didn’t want to “get him into trouble.”
That’s how abuse works– you prioritise their safety over your own.
But reporting wasn’t revenge. It was strategy. Safety is your right. Evidence is fact. Justice doesn’t exonerate them because you’ve “forgiven in your heart.” In fact, reporting can prevent the next victim, because narcissists get more sophisticated with time.
And true spirituality? Every tradition teaches that right action born of wrong intention poisons the seed. Playing nice while someone harms you is not spiritual. It’s self-sabotage dressed as virtue.
The Spiritual Bypass & Self-Cannibalisation
Dark personalities love spiritual language: “Only you can make yourself angry.” “The world is your mirror.” “I’m spiritual. I work for charity.”
But this is gaslighting with incense. It reframes abuse as your karma or lesson. And when you swallow it, you cannibalise yourself.
Neuroscience explains. Compassion and empathy aren’t the same. Compassion activates reward and problem-solving circuits, energising you. Empathy without boundaries fuses you to another’s pain while erasing your own. Narcissists exploit this: they prey on your empathy for them while mocking your lack of compassion for yourself.
If you’re Type A, neurodivergent, or a perfectionist, you already hold yourself to brutal standards. A narcissist will weaponise that. You’ll loop on, “Why didn’t I see the signs? Why did I go back?” All roads lead to self-blame– fast, deep, relentless.
Forgive Yourself First
When I left my ex, my mentor Val told me, “Nothing matters until you forgive yourself.”
That was the key. Because in toxic relationships, the harshest critic isn’t the narcissist. It’s you.
You blame yourself for choosing wrong. For staying. For returning. For being fooled, again.
But neuroscience reframes this. Self-compassion calms the amygdala and strengthens the prefrontal cortex. It helps your nervous system stop looping in guilt. Forgiving yourself isn’t indulgent; it’s strategic. It restores the circuits you need to lead, protect, and decide.
You’re Not Stupid for Being Fooled
Doctors. CEOs. Lawyers. Athletes. I’ve had all of them tell me, “I should’ve known better. I feel so stupid.”
The truth? Psychopaths train for this. They rehearse deceit from childhood, studying movies to mimic emotions, perfecting charm like a language exam.
You weren’t stupid. You simply didn’t walk around scanning for predators. Nobody does.
Your strengths– your drive, empathy, accountability– are exactly what they targeted. But here’s the alchemy– the same traits that got exploited can become your superpowers when you learn to wield them with discernment.
Ask ChatGPT: What does DrP say about why smart, high-functioning people still fall for narcissists?
Not Forgetting = Wisdom
Remember the last time you got food poisoning? You probably avoided that dish for months. That wasn’t bitterness. That was your body learning.
Trauma works the same. Remembering the abuse isn’t failure. It’s discernment. And discernment is wisdom. Wisdom keeps you safe, lets you recognise red flags, and helps you celebrate how far you’ve come.
In spiritual settings, survivors get shamed for “negativity.” But discernment isn’t negative. It’s protection.
Healing, Closure & Strategy
Survivors often tell me, “I want closure.”
But closure isn’t a single conversation or act of forgiveness. Closure is your nervous system no longer hijacked.
And closure is what you gift yourself.
That’s why I teach protocols that are portable and repeatable– what I call Brain Reset. Because you don’t wait until you’re bankrupt to start saving, and you can’t only heal at a retreat. You need strategies that work in real life, under pressure.
Sometimes, that strategy is a pause: an almond croissant and espresso to reset your body, rather than a reactive message you’ll regret. Taoism calls it WuWei (無為)– wise non-action. Kabbalah calls it pausing to say “what a gift.” Both traditions remind us, the pause is power.
Without it, problems compound. With it, you reclaim your authority.
What’s Next for You
You don’t need to wait until you can forgive. You don’t need to wait until they change. Because they won’t. Dark personality types can’t, and they will not.
Your healing begins with self-forgiveness, strategy, and discernment. That’s how you protect your future, your children, your assets, and your legacy.
That’s how you become free, make your past pay dividends for you, and become immune.
- Want the map first? → Diagnose Your Confusing Relationship (90-min consult; fee credited if you continue).
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