Muscles: How To Break A Habit
You feel the way you feel, believe the things you believe, and do the things you do because they are well-trained muscles. Everytime you feed that muscle by feeling/doing/thinking, it grows bigger. This muscle is etched in your brain pathways. The connection between your brain cells grow stronger everytime this muscle moves. Your mind finds it easy to work strong muscles. That’s why habits are so automatic. Here’s Gerry’s story.
Gerry couldn’t believe it. Betrayed by his partner, his savings wiped out. It started with a bottle every night. Then, two. A gulp each morning quietened his mind, which told him”somebody will find out you’re drinking, and then you’ll lose your job too” and “you’re useless”. But his body was thirsting for more to dull his senses- his only way of coping. Talking was too painful. His friends gave up eventually, unaware of what’d really happened. He started drinking at work, and eventually lost his job and home. He felt he deserved it all, and was too tired to do anything. He saw no hope. Walking to the off-license, a man propositioned him. He started escorting, and alcohol was his sweet salvation to the blinding light of shame.
Gerry’s “Escape With Alcohol” muscle was big. It was difficult times, he didn’t know what to do, he was ashamed. He’d been used to drowning his sorrows- every banker he knew did that. His mind hurled insults at him. And one thing led to another bigger thing.
We all have some form of this muscle- it’s a habit, like crippling anxiety, overwhelming stress, self-criticism, self-sabotage, or intense moods. But here’s the thing. You didn’t mean to grow your this muscle. You didn’t know what was happening until reality smacked you in your face. You tried not to think about it because who’d understand? So, no blame.
Exercise: Identify Your Muscles
One exercise my clients love is identifying muscles.
Let’s start with the Undesired Muscle.
#What’s its name? “I Suck”? “I’m worthless”? “Escape with [Substance]”?
#How big is it? XXL?
Next, what Desired Muscle would you like to grow?
#What’s its name? “Confidence”? “Kindness to Myself”? “Proud of Myself”?
#How big is it?
It’s probably pretty small, and you’re feeling despondent about building it. Growing an XXS requires a lot of pumping iron, you think.
How to change your life: Growing muscles
But before you give up, remember the first weight you lifted? The first vertical wall you climbed? Felt like hell, the way your body struggled to overcome its resistance. The way sweat oozed out of your pores, as you clenched your muscles to move. You panted. You heaved. The next motion became easier. As that muscle grew.
It’s like training for mountain climbing. You start with lighter weights, and easier circuits.
Or, running the marathon. You start with a 5km, then 10km, then 24km.
Or, see nurturing your Desired Muscle as a sapling you’ve found. It’d been deprived of nutrients and light. You’re now giving it what it needs. And attention.
You always have a choice
Do you have a choice to feed your Desired Muscle and kill off Undesired Muscle? If you’ve said yes, it won’t be easy at first. Because the old brain pathways still fire like crazy. But you’re building new ones. They’ll wire, fire and be kickass. And as you stop feeding Undesired Muscle, those old pathways will disappear. That’s how to break a habit and build a new one. It’s all about mindful practise.
Commitment. To the You that you want to be.
[Mountain image via Wallsev]