[This DrP article was first published on MindBodyGreen]
You’ve navigated complex corporate landscapes, led global teams, and achieved what most consider impossible. But what if the most sophisticated manipulation system you’ll ever encounter isn’t in the boardroom—it’s in your most intimate relationships? Narcissistic abuse isn’t a weakness narrative. It’s a strategic infiltration of your most valuable asset: your psychological sovereignty. In an era where emotional intelligence determines leadership potential, understanding these intricate manipulation patterns becomes your most advanced competitive advantage. As a clinical psychologist who’s worked with Olympians, military leaders, and global executives across six continents, I’ve decoded a universal language of psychological warfare. These aren’t just relationship dynamics—they’re complex systemic manipulations designed to erode your most fundamental sense of self.
Post-pandemic, we’ve reached a critical evolutionary point. Words like gaslighting and narcissism have shifted from clinical terminology to daily vernacular. But just like the arms race between humans and viruses, narcissists have become more sophisticated. They don’t just abuse—they blur lines with surgical precision. This isn’t another trauma narrative. This is a strategic intervention for leaders who refuse to be collateral damage in someone else’s psychological operation. If you’re ready to transform your most challenging relational experiences into your most powerful leadership blueprint—keep reading. Your psychological liberation starts here.
The Ten Commandments
We were gobsmacked by the similarities between our narcissistic exes, as we compared notes one balmy evening not-too-long after I’d exited. I’m not talking about the cycle of abuse— the love-bombing, devaluation and discard— but rather stories like ‘they spent alot of time watching movies to learn empathy’ or ‘they told me about how [Celebrity] was in love with them before, and asked why I wasn’t jealous’. Stories that gave us goosebumps. As the We’s became the hundreds of women (and men) who came forward as I later specialised in helping people leave toxic relationships safely and for good, I concluded it’s like they read from the same playbook.
“How do I get a copy of that”, my clients would ask. “You’d have to be wired that way”, I laughed.
Here you go.
One: Thou Shalt Know I Am God’s Gift To You
You always meet them at the lowest point in their lives. But you don’t know until slightly later, after you’ve been captivated by their glitzy tales. Big money, bigger players, biggest prestige. Hook, link and sinker, you bite the bait. Then they reveal the truth. Things aren’t quite as good now— mostly due to bad luck. It sets up a stage in your head that they’re awesome, and you fall for potential. You’re also obliged to excuse bad behaviour due to their sadness. Beyond bombarding you with love and attention— painting that awesome future you both will have, having never met someone like you before— they make you feel chosen by them, and so lucky because of all the things they could be, based on their ‘past’. And they will keep reminding you you’re blessed.
What to do: Doubt is always healthy, especially at the beginning of a relationship, so don’t feel guilty for wanting space to process and consult your own wisdom. Anyone who tries to accelerate intimacy is a red flag. And when you notice slips in their behaviour, such as explaining why they do some good things transactionally, beware. File that in your head instead of explaining that away.
Two: Thou Shalt Be Remade In My Image.
Your way of living, your value as a person, your connection to your own gut, will be tested, mocked and broken. Then they will be remade. Beyond trampling on your boundaries by saying you are sensitive and they’re trying to help you be ‘healthier’, important holidays may be forgotten and presents may be defective to signal you’re unimportant. They may play the victim, saying your friends and family don’t like them, drawing the romantic ‘us against the world’ card, but really isolating you. Strange things may happen to your devices— numbers and photos disappear, stories and facts change, but you’re always the one who remembered wrongly. You’re rewarded or punished for dressing and spending a certain way, you slowly lose yourself.
What to do: Whilst someone can make recommendations to help you, don’t automatically jump in gratitude that they’re doing you a favour, especially if you’re someone who doubts yourself or new to a certain place/culture. And most certainly, someone policing the way you speak, spend or dress by calling it a boundary is a no-no; a boundary is something someone imposes on what happens to them— it cannot be used to control someone else.
Three: Thou Shalt Get Used To My Ways.
These are the people you must never trust because they are gossips. I think what happens between a couple should stay between them. Sometimes when I am drunk, I do things like that. This is how I steal the spotlight in a crowd. My ex cheated on me, therefore I get paranoid at times.
By the time you trust them and invest feelings, they start telling you about their modus operandi. Not a full-on sinister reveal, but subtler doses so you are pre-warmed to their behaviour, like an oven preheated and ready for a cake. After all, we have reasons for what we do, and they seem to be demonstrating self-awareness. Except, they are excusing their bad behaviours that will affect, hurt and destroy you, getting used to increasing cruelty whilst being their emotional support outhouse.
What to do: Joining the dots between a reason and a behaviour doesn’t show accountability— consistent action with sustained, improving outcomes does. We all do silly, bad or hurtful things at time, the point is, how do our actions impact on someone else?
Four: Thou Shalt Be Nothing Without Me.
They ignore you whilst being in the same house, or they tag you in holiday posts whilst sidelining you in reality. Or, they disappear for days and months, even if they come back after having fun, say they had to mask the pain. Being excluded activates your anterior cingulate cortex, amygdala and insular, reduces oxytocin and dopamine— your brain feels that as physical pain, and you feel disconnected and depleted. This keeps you on your toes, you crave their presence, and work hard to perform well and also not to do any wrong. After leaving, narcissists continue to hoover, especially lovebombing on special occasions, knowing you are particularly vulnerable then especially if they bring up old shared memories. This is another way of training you that you are miserable without them. And, not only do they use their private intimate knowledge about you against you or to claim to ‘help you’, showing you you’re powerless. Behind your back, they may turn others against you with a longstanding private smear campaign, and you realise that everyone thinks you’re mad, bad or sad, so you believe that if you leave, you have no one to turn to.
What to do: If someone violates your request that your personal history isn’t used against you, or for you to give them a clear indicator should they want a time-out to cool down, that’s a big red flag of controlling behaviour you don’t need in your life. And once you decide to leave, block them or engage a third party to serve as intermediary should you have logistical loose ends to tie up.
Five: Thou Shalt Pay Penance For What I’ve Done.
She told him, he broke her heart when he didn’t reveal his phone password. So she slept with someone else, and was so guilty, he had to make it up to her. You see, it’s always about you having to work harder, and make it up to them for their bad behaviour. You are on the lookout for when your behaviours might trigger them, and you start to become hypervigilant, checking yourself in benign mundane situations. As your self-blame and guilt accelerates, it becomes easier for you to give more. After all, the start of the relationship was so awesome and real, and you’d do anything to get that back. But you pay for any crumb of good or neutral behaviour on their part, they may tell you to be grateful they didn’t hit you, and you learn to be thankful for scraps.
What to do: Be very clear when something is on you, and something isn’t. Sure, it is an interaction in a relationship, but can someone really blame you for how they hurt you, and then make you clean up their mess? That’s not love, that’s manipulation. Decent behaviour is a hygiene factor, not something to be grateful for. And you certainly should be wary if someone tells you to be grateful they did not do anything bad to you.
Six: Thou Shalt Gag For My Holy Sermons.
“Even if you really leave, we will end up together again because we need each other, it is divine, we are karmic soulmates”— here’s a picture a narcissist commonly paints to prime your brain towards no other alternative, and more importantly, they are sweet talkers who also butcher language to confuse you further. But really, talk is cheap and the narcissist is even cheaper— words are the currency they’ll pay, and you’ll lap it up. From endless sorries to future-faking about better behaviour to you getting drunk on the sweet ambrosia of their insipid excuses, as they flip amongst the role of saviour, victim and persecutor so your brain is literally on its tippy toes all the time. And, the narcissist loves the sound of their own voice.
What to do: All talk and no (consistent) action is a big no-no; anyone can justify anything away with enough of a story. If a person isn’t accountable or invested in making the relationship healthier and safer, despite how their actions endanger your physical and mental health, they are not good for you. Know that your brain works overtime to make meaning out of this confusing melange of words because the human brain hates ambiguity, so instead of begging the narcissist to talk and explain more or replaying their words in your head, give yourself space to see this through calmer eyes.
Seven: Thou Shalt Watch Me Scam Better.
The narcissist is the ultimate scammer, faking connection in order to hook you in and scamming you with weak lies to keep you by their side. Many clients have told me that the narcissists’ hugs and kisses feel stilted and scripted, and so are their actions that demonstrate empathy. These clients also corroborate that their ex-partners spend alot of time watching films, which I hypothesise is a means of learning and faking decent human behaviour. Other narcissists play up the role of being spiritual to confuse you, and acting as your saviour and mentor. There are those who may even point out or punish other narcissists’ behaviours, to deflect attention and manipulate the picture to play up how good they themselves are in contrast. They also scam you about your own state of mind— that because they are calm and you are agitated, you are the liar and the one at fault.
What to do: If a behaviour feels off even if it ticks the checklist of normal behaviours, trust your gut and reserve judgment instead of judging yourself for feeling that way. Anyone who perverts spirituality for their own means to have a one-up over you, is likely a spiritual narcissist, especially if they are always virtue-signalling. And do not be hoodwinked by the narcissist’s ability to stay calm— they have reduced activity in their ventromedial prefrontal cortex, making them less likely to feel guilt or emotional.
Eight: Thou Shalt Break And Break And Break.
Angry eczema, a wobbly neck, IBS— so many symptoms that were medically untraceable, sometimes my clients were scolded by their physicians even. But in a situation where you are unsafe, where you keep downplaying your experiences, your body naturally attacks itself. Add that to STDs, unwanted pregnancies, being encouraged to live far from your support system or stop working, then being told that the narcissists’ friends do not like you and prefer their ex.
The rules of how you should behave keep changing, your memory is wrecked from non-stop gaslighting. You have no more energy, they tell you you are worthless, a shadow of your old self, you start to phantasise about hurting yourself or dying. Every day, you reach new levels of brokenness.
What to do: You deserve to feel psychologically and physically safe— no amount of reasons about what happened to your partner can justify them continually hurting you. If you feel broken and confused, keep a record of what’s happening immediately after your incident, so no one can alter your memory. And, lock down your devices so they cannot read it. More importantly, seek medical and psychological support— deep trauma is not something you can heal alone, if you’re continuously under siege.
Nine: Thou Shalt Be So Grateful I’ll Take You Still.
He fattened her up, stopped her from dressing up, took her far away from her friends and career, told her she is a wreck, and so lucky he’ll take her still. She told him, if people find out about their relationship, what would they say— she was giving him a chance not to shame himself in public if he stayed on. And then everytime abuse happens, your blunted nervous system wakes up— it confuses chaos for passion, the narcissist tells you this is true love, and the trauma bond strengthens. Then makeup sex happens— even if against your will— the domination, confusion and oxytocin rush strengthens the dopaminergic reward pathways especially in your ventral striatum, you crave the narcissist even more.
What to do: Be very wary when someone changes you, shames you and tells you, you should be grateful they still accept you— anyone who frames themselves as your only shot, is likely controlling and manipulative. Yes, you may feel ashamed if people find out you’ve been hurt in a toxic relationship, especially if your life and career are promising— know that many people have rebuilt their personal and love lives because they didn’t want to settle for another day of abuse. And the sooner you own your own story— without having to shout it from the mountaintops to everyone— the less anyone can smear you.
Ten: Thou Shalt Know Love Is Hard
“Love is hard, if I fail at this relationship, people will say I failed again”, he told me. On the night I tried to leave, he made a big show of drinking, telling me he would off himself. Over and over again, the narcissist will tell you love is hard, you are meant to suffer, and you are in this together. They show you movies that prove that point; and conflate healthy couples who’ve been through thick and thin together, with your unhealthy hazardous relationship.
Sometimes they go to couples’ therapy, but it is well-documented that the narcissist often uses the therapy room as an additional arena for abuse. You ask yourself, why are you still here, what do you love about them? And I’m willing to bet, it’s something you can’t really answer.
So you say, love IS hard.
What to do: People go through ups and downs together, but that much suffering and pain is not normal. And I invite you to ask yourself.. what if love isn’t hard? Be aware of your pre-existing vulnerabilities— have other relationships or stories in your life shown you that love is about suffering?
From Survival To Strategic Liberation
There is a story I tell in coaching, keynotes and workshops. Once upon a time in psychologist BF Skinner’s lab, pigeons were trained to peck at key in exchange for food. But the food didn’t come out all the time, so they kept pecking, in the hope that the next peck would produce food. This is intermittent reinforcement— exactly what the narcissist uses on you. The food stopped coming; the pigeons kept pecking, they eventually died. People listen to the story, widen their eyes and tell me, “I do not want to be a pigeon”.
Yes, love is hard in a toxic relationship, if you obey the commandments of the narcissist. Until you take the red pill and know they are not almighty God.
In the Wizard of Oz, we learnt that the wizard was nothing but a scammer versed in the most seductive of smoke and mirrors. My purpose of writing these out as commandments is for you to flip them, and realise how ridiculous they are. That no mortal should have that sort of power over anyone, especially not over someone who loves deeply and works hard to give to others.
More importantly, know that the toxic relationship is engineered to break you slowly and unknowingly. Trauma hijacks your nervous system, so your brain and body are rigged against you leaving. And human beings are terrible at quitting bad situations. This is a universality and not your personal flaw.
So while you might be learning about generic narcissist patterns on TikTok, watching videos or buying charms hoping they’ll change, know that they are reading the research papers and seeking professional help to become better at what they do. You cannot outrun or outwit them when you are with them. And the longer you stay, the harder it is to leave.
So I invite you to look at the bigger picture— your health, your sanity, your future. And the future of your children or next generation, the people you will inspire in your life.
You are not a pigeon in a laboratory, endlessly pecking for intermittent reinforcement. You are a strategic operator with the capacity to rewrite your entire operational system. The narcissist’s playbook is sophisticated, but your resilience is exponentially more complex. In the age of AI and unprecedented disruption, your ability to recognise, metabolise, and transform psychological manipulation becomes your most advanced competitive advantage.
This isn’t about becoming invulnerable. It’s about becoming so strategically aware that manipulation attempts become laughably transparent. Think of this as upgrading your internal firewall—not to prevent all incoming signals, but to process them with lightning-fast discernment. Every moment you’ve survived isn’t a weakness. It’s advanced training in human complexity. You’re not just healing. You’re developing a navigational intelligence that most will never comprehend.
When you leave a toxic relationship, you’re not just exiting a personal dynamic. You’re recalibrating an entire ecosystem—professional, personal, psychological. You’re choosing a life where your boundaries aren’t just maintained, but celebrated. For high-performers who’ve been systematically told they’re too much, not enough, or fundamentally flawed: Your sensitivity is not a vulnerability. It’s your most sophisticated early warning system. If you’re ready to transform your most challenging relational experiences into your most powerful leadership blueprint—if you want to turn psychological warfare into strategic wisdom—let’s talk.
Your next chapter isn’t about recovery. It’s about revolutionary reclamation.
If you’d like to use practical neuroscience to unwire these old toxic patterns and be in-control via a signature 8-week program that’s tailored to you, book your free Chemistry Call here.