[This DrP article was first published on Next Evolution Performance]
The thing about working with a narcissist or toxic person, isn’t always that they are loud and grandiose. Or obvious. We need to talk about the more sophisticated and confusing kind.
Subtle signs that add up
Often, it makes no sense. This person can sound so rational in their relentless emails, that make you feel like you are doing something wrong even if your gut keeps tell you it is an attack dressed up as something professional. With a narcissist, it can feel like if you were to flag up each incident, it sounds so petty and small. So much so that you are confused, and you let it slide. Except that these tiny discreet incidents are designed to be in small doses, so that you believe you are being difficult and petty. And slowly, your boundaries get eroded, and you accept more bad behaviour.
You feel incredibly unsafe with this person who is more like a frenemy. If someone is consistently nasty to you, then you know you have a high level of negative interactions with them— that is clear-cut. But if someone is both nice and nasty to you— doing you favours, saying nasty things to your face, stabbing you in the back, and then apologising— then you have a high level of both positive and negative interactions with them, i.e. this is an ambivalent relationship.
And ambivalent relationships have been linked to ill physical health outcomes even, meaning this is not to be ignored.
They may steal your ideas, take credit, or pop their own spin on it on-the-spot to ‘improve’ it. When confronted, you may be told you are sensitive, or to take one for the team. That is gaslighting. Or, they may be overly intrusive and ask questions that are too personal, on the guise of helping you, trying to understand something, or playing the power differential card. Then this information is used as ammunition against you. And again, if you do not answer, you are labelled as difficult or sensitive.
Some narcissists go out of their way to get their way, even if the outcome is the same or better. Regardless, the steps of the modus operandi must be according to them, and this goes beyond being a ‘control freak’ or a ‘micromanager’, but rather they feel insulted if their methods are not followed.
They may steal your ideas, take credit, or pop their own spin on it on-the-spot to ‘improve’ it. When confronted, you may be told you are sensitive, or to take one for the team. That is gaslighting. Or, they may be overly intrusive and ask questions that are too personal, on the guise of helping you, trying to understand something, or playing the power differential card. Then this information is used as ammunition against you. And again, if you do not answer, you are labelled as difficult or sensitive.
Some narcissists go out of their way to get their way, even if the outcome is the same or better. Regardless, the steps of the modus operandi must be according to them, and this goes beyond being a ‘control freak’ or a ‘micromanager’, but rather they feel insulted if their methods are not followed.
Others also make it a competition with regards to who is winning or who is suffering more— they have to top the charts either direction, even if no one else is keeping score. Another subtle sign is that any topic will magically be made about them— try testing it by talking about something completely irrelevant.
A last sign I commonly observe is incredible nastiness and then going soft on you-- except it feels like terrible acting. The barrage of mean words or inappropriate harshness will erupt, and then they will go into a softer cuddlier and almost ‘coquettish’ mode almost straight away, as if to nullify what just happened or to frame the nastiness as an act. This helps to absolve the bad behaviour, and to confuse the recipient.
As someone who works with victims of very sophisticated narcissists, I still caution at labelling just anyone as ‘toxic’ or any behaviour as ‘gaslighting’, no matter how trendy that may seem. The crux is, if there is a consistent pattern of the above behaviours, then it is pretty certain that you are dealing with someone toxic. Or at the very least, toxic for you.
What to do with a narcissist you work with
If it is a leadership issue— because some cultures select for narcissists— then exit the moment that you can. Because the toll on your physical and mental health is heavy, and you aren’t proving anything by tolerating it.
If this is someone who isn’t a pivotal part of the leadership culture, and you like your job for the most part, then there are other ways to deal. Because narcissists can be great at camouflaging themselves within certain organisations, stealing credit, fawning with those in leadership, they can climb the ranks easily. Still,
- Narcissists often have high status needs when it comes to psychological safety. Praising them or giving them credit, noticing their new shiny toys helps placate them.
- Ally yourself with other people horizontally and vertically— you won’t be the only one suffering.
- Know that keeping them accountable is what gets you hooked.
Most importantly, when dealing with a narcissist, stop playing nice. Many people have issues with that, thinking that politics is ‘evil’, when in fact office politics is a fact of social life.
As my professor in evolutionary psychology once taught me, politics is just formalised dominance hierarchy— a polite theatrical form of what the monkeys and apes do, or other mammals for that matter.
So examine your own mindset when it comes to having boundaries or guarding your own interests.
If you are keen to strengthen yourself against a narcissist in your life, book your free Chemistry Call here to chat about a signature 8-week program that’s tailored to your lifestyle, values and personality. Or, reach out to make small changes that lead to big wins in your corporate culture via hiring assessments, building company culture, or workshops and coaching.